There is at least 5 inches of snow on the ground here at the homestead. It has melted and frozen many times over the past several weeks, and walking through it is almost impossible. What lies under it is the potential for spring, the bursting of life, but not quite yet. This time of year, more than all the other seasons, seems to take its sweet time to shift. Waiting for nature’s movement from cold to warm, from dark to light, requires patience and fortitude.
It might do all of us well to remember that we are nature, as much as we forget to include our humanness as part of the whole. We have been conditioned to see ourselves separate from nature and the rhythms that are constant and enduring. In our willfulness we may resist the cycles that keep all life in harmony and balance. So, how do you spend your winter months, in a harmonious or not so harmonious balance with the cycle of wintertime? I myself am resisting the urge to deep clean, to throw open the windows, and be gone the stagnant air. But winters dust is still settling and I would make my work twice as hard by not waiting until the wood burning stove is ready to retire for the season.
I think that the deep cleaning needed now is internal. For the past several months I have been contemplating how my constant busyness and hard work have served me. I have spent my life chasing friendships, connections, acknowledgement, money… in all honesty, I have little to show for the amount of effort that I have paid out. I have been wondering about how it would be if I could just stop and give those things to myself. Can I stop running so hard after what is outside of me? Where has this need to constantly pursue intangible necessities to have happiness and contentment come from? If winter is a time to get quieter and recharge, I am ready for the long winter. In this season of hibernation and rest I am drawn to look at the broken and empty places in my life. I am willing to face my fears of not good enough, not being included, rejection, not capable enough… the ghosts of my unconscious rise up for recognition.
This winter I am choosing to remove the obligations I place on myself. I am learning to trust that things will get done in due time. I am being mindful of slowing down and resting more. I am tired of feeling tired. I am taking myself out of the race. There is nowhere to be but where I am. I am learning to be satisfied with the few over the many, and I am determined to find contentment in what is.